Thoughts On Depression + Art
Sorry I haven't been around much -- I have been in sort of a funk (or more accurately a depressive cycle) .. and it's never been my strong suit to communicate effectively when I am at that end of my mood swings.
It always seems to come across wrong... If what I have to say is even coherent... the words read as if I am asking for help, or sympathy.. and I've never been comfortable with either of those things. Besides, it's almost impossible for words to capture the depth of the emotions. Those that are also bipolar, or have lived with severe depression, can probably relate. Words almost seem to gloss it over, trivialize it... and I end up reading it, and feeling worse.
So, I'm not going there right now.
“I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know. Why does the rest of the world put up with the hypocrisy, the need to put a happy face on sorrow, the need to keep on keeping on?... I don’t know the answer, I know only that I can’t. I don't want any more vicissitudes, I don't want any more of this try, try again stuff. I just want out. I’ve had it. I am so tired.”
So, What do I do when I feel myself slipping a bit lower like this?
(aside from becoming reclusive so I can focus)
I force myself to do anything productive..
Literally, some days just taking a shower is a chore.
I make a to do list, that has realistic, simple to-do's. Attainable things. The absolute necessary things.
I try like hell not to focus on all the other things looming, and only knock out the small things that I have control over. It's been my experience, that when I remind myself I do have some power- I slowly pull out of the depressive cycles, and I think that's the place I'm in now... slowly pulling out.
Sometimes, I just wish I was like everyone else.. but really, we all have our own struggles, this just happens to be one of mine.
I truly do believe that Art Heals, and the pieces listed here have all been finished recently, and put up for sale... Odd, how the money struggles that partially triggered this down episode, are the very thing that forces me to sit in my studio and create. Creating, always relaxes me... and every once in awhile, I find it to produce a life changing moment.
Thank heavens I started these pieces so long ago, as I've caught a serious case of Art Block, and once I regain a bit more control over my emotions, and life.. It's time to tackle that block, if it hasn't relieved itself. (A post for another day - ways I break that block). Fortunately, these all needed one or 2 elements to be complete, and they were done. A low pressure way to create, and feel productive...while relaxing a bit.
“Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.”
I've continued on my quest to get organized again, as I know it will be a HUGE relief once I do. I've been trying not to let things pile up as I have in prior 'episodes'.. little things like these, have kept what's bad, from getting worse. Hopefully I'll find myself on that even, emotional keel soon... I can see it coming, I just need to remind myself of that, and not give up when it seems to hard.
On a more positive note... I have a trip coming up, that I am soooo looking forward to. I get to see one of my oldest friends, meet her almost 1 year old son, (haven't seen her in 5+ years), and spend a week in the beautiful North Carolina Mountains... some much needed quiet time surrounded by breathtaking scenery. Perfect. It's just a week or 2 away and this opportunity couldn't have presented itself at a more perfect time! It's kept me motivated to pull myself from the depths of depression and forces me to retrain the negative thoughts that bounce around my head constantly.
I suppose life really does work in mysterious ways, you just have to look, and recognize it.